St. Neotian Fensign Readings

by Erial

October 2001

I still see a reference to slippers I am afraid. Is there something you are not telling your bedroom partner? It is strictly your own business, this slipper obsession, but I feel that you should consider consulting an expert, especially since I keep seeing some type of tartan pattern swirling in the mystic ether, which is extremely worrying to those of us in the know. 

Try and avoid socks this month.

I see from the lonely scattering of duck weed that you didn't discover who your secret admirer was, it's a shame in a way, but then again, could your reputation really handle being linked with some one of such dubious morals? Hang on, the breeze just scattered the duck weed. Ah......now I see. It's your morals that are the issue here, not theirs. Maybe it is a good thing for all concerned that this relationship never got off of the ground. You should be ashamed of yourself! Now go and wash your hands...........

Your only problem this month will concern the night you drank all that Snakebite and got really really gobby and balanced peanuts on your nose to impress your friends last month. You passed on a few choice bits of information about someone's wife to all and sundry, and when "Gentle Ben", (who is called Gentle Ben, not because he is kind and gentle and good with small children and people who slag his missus off, but because he is a rabid psychopath who likes to rip peoples arms off) gets out at the end of this month you could have a lot of explaining to do. Be scared, be beary beary scared.............

Didn't quite manage to get the breaks on that mouth last month, did you? Managed to let out a few little secrets about industrial espionage and Soviet counter intelligence, not to mention the one about old you-know-who wearing high heels when he washed the dog., eh? Between the captains of industry, a big Russian bugger called Boris and your boss, you should be heading for a well deserved kicking this month, but on the bright side, a broken jaw will go a long way towards curbing your tendancy to gossip.

Lucky drink: Horlicks

So, you over your hangover from last month yet? I know that you feel you have escaped unscathed from your little bender, but I ask you this; where did you leave that bike chain? Remember, the last time you had it you were showing the Jovial Toad a very complicated yoga position and you split your jeans? You can't blame the Toad, they have no recollection of that night at all, but lets just say you may not need any zinc  supplements in your diet for a while. Avoid long walks in the rain and the colour pink.

Oh dear, oh dear oh dear. When I said French last month that wasn't exactly what I had in mind! And where in blue blazes did you get all those goats from? I would have definitely remembered goats in the tarn and feel that you should pay a little more attention to the readings in the future. Mind you, having said that, you and Blue Bell will be blissfully happy together and I am sure that your french friend will make sure the photos never fall into the wrong hands. Seek the council of an open minded Owl for your "problem"

When I said eat more plums, I did not mean eat so many you are confined to the privy. You will never win the second round of the Family Squabble shouting retorts through the key hole, you know. I see someone close to you going thought the old family album and picking out ones that display you at less than your finest. It is imperative that you pre-empt them and leave not a trace of that holiday in Spain when you thought you were a flamenco dancer. I am very impressed with your imaginative use of the castanets, by the way, but instinctively feel that is not what they were originally invented for. Eat more dairy product and avoid Tuesdays.

So, last month was not an auspicious one in the pulling department, don't feel bad, it gave you a well deserved break and you got to spend some time relaxing and contemplating life, the universe and everything. I hope that you feel refreshed and calm and able to cope with this months reading because I see that you are still as sexually magnetic as half a house brick. However, if you followed my advice, you have made good friends with that nice librarian and she will find you something to read while you are in boudoir exile. The number 4 and the colour puce are lucky for you. Seek out an impotent Toad for companionship.

The good news is that your ego problem from last month has finally resolved itself. You are back to your normal chipper happy-go-lucky self this month and will want to get out there and have a good time. Unfortunately, no-one else gives a hoot still, so you may have to find something to entice them back into your social circle, which at present includes you and your TV set. Remember, money won't buy you love and friendship, but it will get you something startlingly similar, so empty your piggy bank and go for it. 

Towards the end of the month you are going to spend half the morning with an icky lump of "sleep" in the corner of your right eye.  This will put off a potential piece of "hot stuff" so don't say I didn't warn you!

So, did you catch up with that old acquaintance? I see that you got "busy" and before you knew it, you had forgotten again. Shame that, because your friend won a disgustingly huge amount of money and showered all their friends with fabulous gifts. You will be able to contact them at the end of the month, if you still want to, but they are on a world cruise with all their freinds at the moment ( all expenses paid). They will be skint ( but tanned) when they get home and would still like to see you. You can go round and look at the photos, eh? Cry on the shoulder of a sympathetic weasle and wear lots of magenta, it goes with your eyes.

So you were wild and free and reckless last month with your cash then? ( Nice purple jumpsuit, by the way) When I said do something special on the 3rd weekend of last month, I had no idea it was going to involve a small underaged duck, a package of Plasticine and an outboard engine; you are one strange individual. Lucky for you, no one was watching, but the boys at Pathfinder house who now have your photo on file and thank you for the entertainment. This month avoid spicy foods and long journeys. Get your central heating checked and remember to pay the gas bill, or it will be a cold, cold winter.

Faint oil sheen and a few duck droppings indicate you did have a financially rough time last month. I told you. Would you listen? So whose fault is it then? Not mine, I just read the Signs. If you ignore them, that's your look out. This month, pay attention and save yourself some heart ache. Heed the warnings of a frustrated Deer and a bewildered Aardvark. It may look as though they are just stirring, but there is no smoke without fire and they may have a very valid point if you can just shut up and pay attention to them. Wear green, avoid fizzy drinks and put matches up in a safe place. Check your fire extinguisher. 

Beaver Beast

Still having problems at work, eh? Well, your pool has an iridescent shimmer ( very pretty) which indicates all will be well in the end even if it isn't very pleasant to deal with. You may want to consult a doctor about the voices you have been hearing in your head and also about the little scar you have discovered on the back of your neck. Your friends are finding it disconcerting that you can pick up radio 1 every time you sneeze. Eat more fruit and be careful in the shower. You will discover an allergy to "Mandate"

Erial may be contacted at erial@st-neots.co.uk